This post, by Misha Angrist, originally appeared on The Awl on 10/1/12. Note that it contains some strong language.
• "Sorry, Mom, I can’t talk long. Terry Gross is likely to call at any time and I imagine will want instructions on how to pronounce my name."
• "Everyone knows that Amazon rankings are a total joke. I mean, I could give a shit. But you and everyone else in our extended family did buy seven copies each at 5:22 a.m. EST just like I told you, right?"
• "And those Nielsen BookScan sales numbers are clearly off by one decimal place. Maybe two."
• "I need to be at Barnes and Noble right when it opens. What? No reason."
• "Book reviews, on the other hand… EXTREMELY IMPORTANT."
• "No, I’m still weighing ‘The Daily Show’ versus ‘Colbert.’ Say hi to Dad."
• "If they want to low-ball me on the film rights, that’s fine, but in that case I will need a piece of the back end and final say on casting. I feel strongly that in the interests of verisimilitude, I should be played by a hairy Jew from Pittsburgh. But of course he will have to be filmed in a way that makes him look a foot shorter."
• "There are four people at my signing, Mr. Cantankerous Independent Bookseller, counting you and my wife and the barista/palm reader. You can’t even be bothered to show me how to work the microphone that I don’t need?
• "You know I spent most of my advance at your store, right?"
• "Blog blag blargh. @Twit tweet twat."
• "ME ME MOI. AHEM. HELLO!"
• "This fetid gasbag of a person you invited on the same radio show to antagonize me? It is totally working."
• "What the hell does it look like, Holmes? I am BUILDING MY BRAND."
• "It’s spelled A-N-G-R-I-S-T. That’s like ‘angriest’ without the ‘e.’"
Read the rest of the post, which includes details on the latter three stages, on The Awl.